Merry Christmas Aaron. It’s my first one without you, and it also means it’s been around 3 months now since I lost you.

It’s certainly been a couple months, some easier than others, but I want you to know I’m doing alright. I didn’t realise how tired I was after your big year. I took some time to relax, but looking back I’ve done so much since you went off to wherever you are now, doing things that make me feel alive. I’m doing it all for two now after all. I keep thinking back to our last seconds together, when I put your ring back on and how grateful I am that we shared that moment together.

The last sunset we watched together, you told me to fly free like a bird, so I spent this time trying to figure out what you meant by that. I wish we had more time to talk about it, but we were so busy just trying to keep you alive and comfortable, time beat us to it. So I’ve taken that idea and gone with it to see where I ended up.

I’ve hiked mountains in Yosemite to look at eagles and to get some fresh air, because you said when we got older together you wanted to bird watch the years away.

I’ve plunged deep into the ocean and caves in Mexico to find peace and quiet amongst fish and the darkness, because you loved fish and aquatic animals so much you filled our front room with it. The caves was just me being a crazy idiot, but I loved it.

I’ve quite literally flown by running off the top of mountains in the Colombian countryside to be amongst birds, allowing them to guide me to greater heights with thermals.

I’ll be visiting more parts of the world soon, starting with a volcano in Ecuador next week, because you said the Kontiki trip you did with Jared all those years ago was life changing, and you always hoped I would do something like this.

In all of this I’ve had my ring around my neck. I always hold onto it before a dive, a flight or when I’m feeling a bit alone out here on the other side of the world. Whenever I’m toying with danger perhaps.

In doing all this, I never expected the massive void in my life to be filled, but I am living a fuller life because I need your death to stand for something bigger. I took time off work because trying to pretend like everything was normal devalued what happened to you in some way. I think you’d be stoked I’ve challenged myself to be in these foreign countries where I can barely communicate to buy a bottle of water. And that I did somehow manage to get emergency medical care out here thanks to Google Translate when I got sepsis and ended up in hospital alone.

You’d be pissed off, but I’ve destroyed myself thinking about all the things I should have done differently with you. All the ways I didn’t appreciate you enough over the years. But I think I’ve come to accept I did the best at the time, that we had an incredible time together and I think you’d agree with me - you’d tell me to shut up in that cute playful way you always did whenever I was an idiot. Finding a voice memo saying you love me again was tough, but I found it. Thanks for tolerating me recording us, despite knowing what it was for.

These last 3 months have felt like years without you. I’ve cried, laughed, curled up into balls, ran around until I couldn’t anymore, screamed, whispered while holding back tears, and listened to a shit tonne of sad music - but the whole time you’ve been in my heart, just like when you found home in it all those years ago.

I miss you Mr. M. You said it felt like we’ve loved each other before this lifetime. So here’s to next time, in the meantime I’ll keep looking for you in all the beautiful things in this one.